A and B aside, let's go straight to that brilliant C. Yeah, the Anguilla National Aids Programme (ANAP?) are introducing a new verb*. No biggie, but the word is Condomize. Seriously. Brilliant. Imagine one of the countless beautiful movie sex scenes we've found ourselves actually living and how they're so often brought crashing down (to the reality of a desperate one night stand on a sofa because you weren't expecting to get lucky and hadn't changed your sheets in four months) by one of those awkward, overly-wordy pre-sex "do you want to get a condom?" whispers. ANAP have just paved the way for a glorious "Condomize yourself, baby" or a romantic "Condomize me, honey" moment instead. Who on that sofa could turn down an offer like that? Watch out unwanted pregnancies and Chlamydia.
Now down to business; as this word helps us remember, condoms exist and are actually pretty helpful in stopping STIs and naff unwanted egg fertilisation if you're the lucky 98% of the population. But for all those unlucky sorts who often find themselves losing their winning lottery tickets or tripping over unexpected banana skins, you need a back-up. What are your options as a single man or woman or a couple committed to an immediate future as a couple and not as a threesome**?
Well, back in the day you would have been fairly limited. Here's a brief, selective history of contraception:
- 1550 BC: Egyptians sometimes placed honey, lint and acacia leaves in the fanny to block the route of sperm
- 500/600s: The Book of Genesis suggests the use of Coitus Interuptus (withdrawal)
- 1564: Probably not named after Dr Condom (historians and researchers, you've killed the fun again) but after the Latin 'Condus' meaning receptacle, Gabriel Fallopius (who I'd put a fiver on being linked to the naming of the Fallopian tube) was the first to actually describe a condom; he advocated sheathing your penis in linen to prevent the spread of syphilis
- 1839: The American Charles Goodyear discovered how to vulcanise rubber, making it more durable and a potential material for a more reliable condom
- 1909: Richard Richter developed the first intrauterine device, made from silkworm guts. "Ladies, ladies! One at a time!"
- 1916: Margaret Sanger opened the first Family Planning Clinic in the USA (Marie Stopes followed in the UK in 1921). She helped Gregory Pincus get funding to begin hormonal contraceptive research
- 1957: The combined pill was approved by the US drug board, though was not marketed for contraceptive purposes until 1961 (it was for women with menstrual disorders previously)
- 1960s: IT ALL KICKED OFF
So we reach 2013, and the list of contraceptive methods for women makes for one intimidating NHS booklet:
(Natural family planning is a lolz read. We've all definitely got that much time and patience before we want to do the dirty).
So that's 16 contraceptive options; 13 for women, 2 for men, and 1 romantic sharer. Note that Coitus Interuptus doesn't feature, kids.
I do have a calculator and an A-Level in maths, but it's true that you don't need to be a mathematician to see that this is a little uneven. Whilst the impact of female contraceptive measures on revolutionising the female role in society is still incredibly apparent, it seems that now might be the time to mix it up and give lads the option of sharing the hormonal, weight-gaining, acne sprouting burden of a daily contraceptive pill.
The aim of some of the key, high-profile current male contraceptive research is to produce a pill for men that stops the production of sperm, thus leaving the female partner's eggs alone to see out their limited days in peace. The issue so far has been that scientists have not found a way of restricting testosterone levels enough to halt sperm production without reducing the male sex drive. However in August 2012, a US collaborative of scientists from Houston and Boston announced a breakthrough; they had produced a drug which had been successful in temporarily rendering male mice either infertile or reducing the movement of their swimmers to a non-offensive snails pace. Sort of like a boyband slowly standing for a key change, giving it a few emotional fist clenches and then sitting down again. As soon as the mice were taken off the drug, their sperm levels and fertility returned to normal.
"Will a drug like this affect ejaculation?", I hear you yell. No, that will continue as usual, no problemo.
Well, with a 2% reduction but hopefully that's not noticeable. Sperm is apparently only 2% of the ejaculation. The rest is just harmless, non-impregnating semen. Which is a relief to both Kleenex AND sad women apparently, though I'm not sure I trust the motivations of the source I got that latter gem of research from.
"Oi, but will it affect the size of my testes?" Well it might, as they won't be carrying so much as during your enthusiastic sperm production years, but unless you're this guy I doubt the ladies will notice it.
The drug is now going through the stages of being made ready for human testing ("yeah, you don't want to mess about when it comes to your own testes") and even when these tests are declared successful, these things take a while to get to market. But research like this, along with key exploration into gold nanaroid injections into the testes in China and research in India into easily reversible forms of vasectomy, is an encouraging step in the attempt to balance family-planning responsibilities and opportunities across the genders.
To highlight, there's a massive opportunity here that goes beyond women just not wanting to risk a few spots each month; in certain parts of the world societal judgements are such that women cannot be seen obtaining contraception for fear of indicating that they're looking to sleep around. Even those that are married. On top of this, unwanted teen pregnancy is still an important global issue that could hugely benefit from a fresh method that brings boys into the equation more. Whilst there are deeper social issues here that need to be addressed, it may be that the male contraceptive pill will be available before they are, and so it's worth pursuing.
All these gender equality issues aside though, I'm pretty sure there are a few considerate boyfriends, cautious mothers worried about their little horny Timmy sowing his seed recklessly about town and lovers suspicious that those goddamn gold-digging girlfriends they're entertaining are trying to trick them into shotgun marriages, who would view this contraceptive method as a preferable addition to the current 16. Well at least this guy:
*I'm pretty sure ANAP didn't invent this word, but it was the first picture I found and liked
**Not like that
