Game 6: The Jolly Dodgers vs. Reservoir Dodge

So I've been a little quiet over the past few weeks on a Dodgeball blogging front and if I’m honest I was sulking a little and felt as emotionally battered as we were physically battered on the court. In brief, we were stupendously beaten two weeks in a row and encountered a distinct amount of what we felt was referee bias. Though, in hindsight and with a healthy pinch of sportsmanship I think we can admit that after a few (probably) honest ref mistakes, we were a little overly suspicious and judgemental of further refereeing decisions.

It was ok though; Tactics Greg was back! We were in no doubt why he'd been absent the past week. In a team-building group email chain, we all received some delightfully taunting out-of-offices explaining that unfortunately he couldn't get back to us at present because he'd decided to take a spontaneous holiday to Las Vegas where he was living it up and having the time of his life. Thanks, Greg. That made all of us feel great as we trekked to Clapham in the cold after long days at the office.

Still, the global home of gaming can only have helped him pick up some more TACTICS. Andy was absent once more (another date, eh?) but Dr Ben was present (if wearing non-regulation attire of a noticeably different pantone). Still, after watching a few episodes of BBC Three’s ‘The Year of Making Love’ (IN AN ATTEMPT TO SPOT MY COLLEAGUE, NOT BECAUSE WE LIKE IT. Seriously), we had strong faith in 'Science' and how it could help us win. Thumbs up Science!*

We were nervous about this week though; The Jolly Dodgers 2.0 were facing the one and only Reservoir Dodge, Grammy nominated and two-time Clapham Dodgeball league winners. It was like the Mighty Ducks vs. The Hawks. Or more realistically, like actual ducks trying to beat the Hawks now after they’ve had 21 years of practice at ice hockey. No, more like blindfolded actual ducks trying to beat the 21-year strong Hawks whilst being shot at with machine guns by their substitutes. Not a chance, mate.

Still, we had Greg, Kira and Tony back (who actually sacked off a money-making opportunity to attend) and Matt's toe shoes were nowhere in sight. The referee was late so another team's dodger had stepped up to help out and we were off! Aside from a comical fall over then line into our side by a Reservoir Dodger, and then a nothing-to-see-here backwards worm slither to his own half which we let slide because it was funny, it was an honest and well-fought first set.

Some outstanding catching from our opponents; they often dropped down with no warning and scooped up our best ankle shots. One particular strength in their team was a girl in long shorts who threw and caught amazingly, though was got out time and time again as she turned her back and bent to pick balls up. If she'd remembered to face forward, we wouldn't have stood a chance. The first set reached 2-2, and then a few nifty catches later, Reservoir Dodge were one set up.

Despite another set loss, we were pumped. Both teams were clearly having fun, were playing honestly and were enjoying the fact it was fairly close. Ben, Tony and Greg 1920s-danced their way slowly to the other side in time to the music and we readied ourselves for set 2.

'Put it all on black' yelled Tactics Greg, helpfully. The game began and he must have gone all BlackJack with a ‘Hit me! Hit me!’ as that seemed to happen a few times. After warning Abbie about the perils of the old easily-catchable netball chest pass, during the games where he wasn’t hit, Greg proceeded to follow suit (an unintentional card game reference) with a few ridiculous high balls. Kira just went for it throughout the game, consistently lobbing well aimed low balls to the opponents. Ben kept himself up front on the offensive quite admirably and along with Tony and Greg did some great leaping and diving. Resident statistician and teacher Ellie continued making some great cross court lobs at our opponents and got a fair few out. Abbie made a few catches, but as is now standard hadn’t quite worked out how to not get hit immediately after re-joining the team mid-game. Every time, Abbie!

We were 2-1 down in the second set, and the next game was make or break. Could the Jolly heroes claw a victory after weeks of defeat?

No. Of course they couldn’t. We lost the game without putting up even a hint of a fight. After a brief droop of our muscular shoulders, we resigned ourselves to our fate and resolved to drop the defensive and just bloody go for it. Second set also finished with a 2-3 result. We may have been defeated this time, but it was as close as it could have been.

We had nothing to lose and it seemed that’s when our best play came out. The third set began with laughter and kamikaze spirit. As mentioned in previous weeks (and presumably discussed behind my back by my teammates) I had yet to catch a Dodgeball since I began playing in September 2012. Not one. I think I told you; I’m a dodger, not a catcher (insert own Michael Jackson ‘The Girl is Mine’ spoken banter with Paul McCartney voice). But my time had come. It was fate. One by one my comrades fell and I found myself alone against four eager and ruthless reservoir Dodgers. The noise around me faded and all I could hear was my heartbeat. Guided by some inner genius I suddenly discovered my sixth sense. It was obvious. I just had to catch it. Bam! A ball hit the wall to my right. Wham! A ball shot by my left. Then with slow motion, my eyes locked onto a ball speeding towards me. I braced myself and closed my eyes. Whooomph! Silence fell. I staggered back. Regaining my balance, I opened my eyes and looked down in absolute shock to the dodgeball clutched in my arms. Yes. Victory!

I'm pretty sure a choir started singing 'Hallelujah' in the background as a teammate came back in as a result of my catch (presumably Tony, as he really is one of our best). A few more shots came towards me and with disbelief I caught another ball. I got it. I finally understood Dodgeball. Me and the balls were at one. Admittedly a ball then hit me in the hip and I had to slink off to the side, but that didn’t matter. We won the final set 3-2, and I caught another two balls in that time. We ended on a high and after we warmly thanked the Reservoir Dodge for bringing their best game, we headed to the reserved seating area at the Loft to discuss next week’s game. The ultimate grudge match against our friends ‘Balls Deep’ happened to also be on fancy dress night.

(We presume this was reserved for us and not a outrageously coincentally-named rival company, operating in the Clapham area on a Wednesday evening)

With a bonus point up for grabs for the fancy dress and a night of free drinks waged with Balls Deeps’ Santiago, this was truly going to be the match of the season. The preparation starts now.

League table: see here 

*See the end of this article for some official suspicion of this so-called science.